Thoughts determine how we feel

There are different ways to deal with stressful events. One way is to think differently. Let’s look at an example.

It is not an event that makes you feel angry, sad, happy or guilty, it is how you think about it.

An event can be anything. Here are a few examples:

The person you care for becomes angry when you ask him/her something.
Your family member who promised to help you does not turn up or cancels on you.
The person you care for cannot find something.
Your family member is blaming you for not providing the right care.

Many people think that their feelings are a direct consequence of an event. However, it is the way that you think about the event that determines how you feel.

Lost keys

Maha is married to Abdullah who is living with dementia. She is about to leave the house to visit a friend. Abdullah says, “I can’t find my keys! You cannot leave me without keys!” Maha thinks to herself: “I cannot leave him alone anymore.” She starts to feel miserable.

1. Check your understanding

Feelings and thoughts.

What do you think Maha should do?
Please check all the responses that you feel are appropriate.

Tell Maha that she cannot help him search now and leave.

This is bad advice. Maha has dementia and is feeling worried. He could be very upset if Jo leaves the house right now.

Search for the keys until she finds them.
This could be helpful. Maha might feel safer if he has the keys. However, this may mean Jo misses meeting her friend and is left feeling miserable.

Tell Maha that he should be more careful not to lose his keys in the future
This is not such good advice. Maha has dementia, he cannot help misplacing things.

Think to herself, “Abdullah has dementia and is sometimes worried when he loses things. I can take some time to help and then go.” Then call her friend and explain that she will come later.
This is good advice. It is not the fact that Maha has lost the keys that is making Jo miserable, but her concern that she always needs to help Maha and cannot leave him alone anymore. After Jo has called her friend, she can help Maha search for the keys, which will make him feel safer. Then she can go to see her friend.

Keep in mind

There are many different ways of dealing with events.
Negative thoughts can make us feel bad.
By thinking differently, you might feel better and be able to better deal with events.

Maha’s unhelpful and helpful thoughts

Maha thinks to herself when Abdullah cannot find his keys: “I cannot leave Abdullah alone anymore.” This makes her feel miserable.

This means that Maha is thinking in an unhelpful way. Unhelpful thoughts can make it harder to respond in useful ways to situations like this.

Instead, Maha could think: “Abdullah has dementia and is sometimes worried when he loses things. I can take some time to help and then go.” This different way of thinking will probably make Maha feel better and help her stay calm and compassionate.

Helpful thoughts can make it easier to respond in useful ways to situations like these.

Keep in mind

It is not the event itself that makes you feel angry, sad, happy or miserable.
Helpful or unhelpful thoughts can determine how you respond to a situation.
By changing your thoughts, you could help change the way you feel.

Unhelpful thoughts make you feel bad

Sheikha has been caring for her family member who is living with dementia for several years now. She has many thoughts. Some make her feel worse, some make her feel better.

2. Check your understanding

Thoughts that can make you feel better.

Can you indicate which of Sheikha’s thoughts may help make her feel better?
Sheikha might think…

Making time for myself helps me to provide better care.

This is a helpful thought. No one should feel guilty when taking time for themselves. It might help the carer to continue providing care in the long term.

I am a bad carer if my family member is not always happy.
This thought will make Sheikha feel unhappy and sad. The mood of the person living with dementia does not depend solely on the carer. For example, mood can also be related to dementia, depression, functional ability or personality.

Maybe the person living with dementia will become better.
This thought may make Sheikha feel disappointed as people with dementia continue to decline. There are many diseases that cause dementia. Unfortunately, there is no cure for any of these diseases yet.

No one understands how hard it is to care.
This thought may make Sheikha feel upset, isolated and lonely. There might be people who do not understand how hard it is to care. However, talking to other people may help them better understand what dementia is and help you to take some pressure off.
No one can provide the care the way I do.
This thought could make Sheikha feel lonely, isolated and under a lot of pressure. Although others may provide care in a different way, that does not mean that it is always of a lower standard. It is important to involve others in caring for a person living with dementia, to avoid getting overwhelmed.
Asking others for help can help me to share the duties of care.
This is a helpful thought that may make Sheikha feel more in control. Involving other people in caregiving has lots of potential benefits. For instance, the carer will be able to take breaks more regularly and provide care for a longer time.
Dementia is a disease; it is not my or anyone else’s fault.
This thought is helpful and might prevent feelings of guilt.

Keep in mind

Unhelpful thoughts can make you feel bad.
Helpful thoughts are important to feel better and will assist you in dealing with situations in a more useful way.
To feel better, it is important to identify unhelpful thoughts.

Lesson 3.Thinking differently

Thoughts determine how we feel

Keep in mind

Keep in mind

Keep in mind

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